TWILIGHT - REVIEW

Robert Pattinson sparkles in this inexplicably hugely popular first outing of the Mormon Sexless Teen Vamp Saga...sorry, I meant Twilight.

The film starts promisingly in a little town where we meet Bella (a whiny Kristen Stewart), her dad and her new life as the new girl in high school. The one thing the film actually has going for it, to be fair, is the way it portrays small town ennui so enjoy this first twenty minutes as you will sorely miss them.

And then the vampires come in (lol), strolling in like Purity Ring-wearing badasses into the school canteen looking not-at-all suspiciously pale and blinking with their not-at-all strange yellow eyes. Pattinson's hair defies gravity and he always looks like he's lost a small olive and he's trying to figure out where he might have dropped it. He has tantrums about the perils of biology class and takes 5 days off school because his new lab partner smells like putrid virginity.

In a highly perplexing scene, both meet for the first time and as a fan gently wafts Bella's smell towards Edward, he holds his hand to his mouth as if vampire vomit (good thing his body's dead, no wait...) could ejaculate from his mouth at any given moment and when the bell finally rings, he storms out with a Napoleon Dynamite-style grunt. 

This truly is THE love story of the Noughties.

We then meet a vampire doctor (so white!), everyone plays vampire baseball, Edward sparkles, gives Bella a high-speed piggy-back ride through the woods, climbs trees like a true "spider monkey" and talks about how his eyes are yellow because "It...it's the fluorescence...". There's numerous montages of Edward and Bella sitting or lying down talking but we don't hear what they're saying and...this is pretty much it. Oh and some bad vampires come in later, try to bite Bella and there's a fight.

It's all pretty hilarious and the fact it looks like a proper film makes the whole experience that little bit weirder. I personally can't wait to see New Moon as Jacob's inevitable transformation from Tommy out of 3rd Rock From The Sun into topless werewolf should add some welcome entertainment.

It's trite, but the kind of trite you can appreciate if you have a sense of humour and allow yourself to give a realistic look at what you're actually watching. 

Great fun.