TheRetroCritic

Here's the video version of my K-PAX review.

Looking back, two things bother me about Rubber : 1/ It's a movie about a tyre. 2/ I was genuinely excited about watching a movie about a tyre. Both suggest that not only is the film a slight effort to say the least but that my life is well and truly empty. I mean, the movie's playful marketing was hinting at Grindhouse -style mayhem complete with tons of gore and fun tongue-in-cheek self awareness. Sadly, the latter proved more right than I could have ever imagined. Hell, the film spends a good hour and a half referencing itself, joking about its own rubbish and not only breaking the fourth wall but penetrating it with its own tyre-shaped penis. I'll leave it to you guys to picture that. I like lols as much as the next guy and I loved the likes of Planet Terror and Hobo With A Shotgun , films which, though self-aware, actually really entertaining, funny and cool movies in their own right. But Rubber goes for an almost arty, indie-type vibe and jokes about its

Making a good film involving talking apes throwing spears has never been an easy task. The Charlton Heston-starring original almost feels like a fluke in that it did everything right with content that could so easily have been botched-up. I mean, what's sillier than apes riding horses? I'll tell you. CGI apes riding horses. Yes, many of the old Planet Of The Apes sequels failed to capture the original's stature, yes the TV series didn't have the budget needed and yes the Tim Burton remake is the director's worst achievement to date. And yet I would gladly sit through Mark Wahlberg's soulless journey once again rather than rewatch this new offering. Why, do you ask? Seen the trailers? Really what it comes down to is the sheer irrelevance that this entire production displays. The "rise" of the apes has been pretty much covered left and right in previous instalments besides, here's one film which will no doubt ruin the end twist of the ori

Ed Wood directs this masterpiece of mediocrity which stars Bela Lugosi as mad scientist Dr Erik Vornoff and Tor Johnson as his lumbering disciple Lobo. And although entertainment-wise it's no Plan 9 From Outer Space , there is definitely plenty to enjoy here. For one thing the dramatic score is pretty unforgettable and is about as perfect as an OTT monster movie can hope for. Then there's Bela Lugosi who defines the word HAM but does so with so much style that he is actually rather good. The slight story is essentially just an excuse to include stock footage of an octopus and atomic blasts. Ed Wood certainly doesn't disappoint here as his titular Bride acts more wooden than the sets themselves, scenes drag on for what seems like forever and the plot digs more holes into itself than...something with lots of holes. Damn metaphors... Overall, although the pace is a tad more soporific than Plan 9, there are enough ridiculous moments and clunky lines to make Bride Of The

One of the best bits of Grindhouse was definitely the fake trailers. And one of the best bits of the fake trailers was Machete , which promised flying motorbikes, killer priests, threesomes and Danny Trejo kicking a whole lotta ass. Three years later, we finally got the promised feature. Better late than never, I say. Shame  Sin City 2 took decades... Robert Rodriguez excels at mimicking 70's exploitation films, whether it be horror movies ( F rom Dusk Till Dawn , Planet Terror ) or Mexploitation action flicks ( Once Upon a Time in Mexico , Desperado ) so Machete was always going to be a shoe-in. That it took so long to make is therefore surprising but as long as it exists, I'm not about to complain. So does Machete get the job done? Perfectly capturing the sleaze and silliness of Grindhouse action B-movies, Machete is about as badass, random and fun as it gets. Rodriguez's film certainly shows weak efforts like A-Team and The Expendables (out the same year)